LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a subpoena which was served on you?
WITNESS: No. I dress like this every day.
LAWYER: As county coroner, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.
In an action for divorce for adultery, the "corespondent" (1 "r") is the legal term for "the other woman" [or man] forced to testify ...
LAWYER: Did you make love with him in New York?
CORESPONDENT: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you make love with him in Chicago?
CORESPONDENT: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you make love with him in Miami?
CORESPONDENT: No.
LAWYER: Were you at home that day?
WITNESS: [Shakes head.]
LAWYER: No, ma'am! All of your answers must be oral!
WITNESS: Oral.
LAWYER: Yes, that is correct. So, tell the Court if you were at home that day.
WITNESS: Oral.
WITNESS: Oh, it was a terrible barroom brawl, with punching, yelling, wrestling, shooting! It was a mess!
LAWYER: And you were shot in the middle of the fracas?
WITNESS: No, no, no. My fracas is fine. The bullet went-in midway between my fracas and my navel.
LAWYER: Do you happen to know your IQ, sir?
WITNESS: I suspect it's pretty good. I've never needed glasses.
LAWYER: When the tree surgeon sawed the branch off the tree, and it fell and hit you in the head, how did it affect you?
WITNESS: Well, it really affected my memory. I keep forgetting things.
LAWYER: Would you please list for the Court some of the things which you have forgotten?
LAWYER: So, ma'am, you happen to know the exact date of conception of the child.
WITNESS: Yes. On September 8 of last year.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at the time?
LAWYER: And how was your first marriage terminated, ma'am?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
Full-fledged divorce cases are rare. Because the results are normally the same despite bad behavior by one or both spouses, usually the divorce itself is awarded with only one party appearing in court, to put the facts underlying the party's entitlement to a divorce on the record; and then there is a separate trial on equitable distribution -- on the money. However, occasionally, where the aggrieved party feels that the "bad" spouse's bad behavior will impact how equitable distribution is awarded, there is a trial on the "juicy" part of break-up, to drag the other spouse "through the mud" ...
LAWYER FOR THE HUSBAND [anxious to make his client look decent]: And when did this feeling you had, that there was something wrong with your marriage, start growing on you?
WIFE: I was in bed with my husband. I was under the sheets on my side of the bed, turned away from him. When my husband awakened, he started lovingly running his hand over my body through the sheets, and he whispered, "Katherine, you're so beautiful!" That was very disturbing.
LAWYER FOR THE HUSBAND: What??? You found that 'disturbing'???!!!
WIFE: My name is Susan.
LAWYER: You say that there was a doorway in the kitchen that led to stairs?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And where did the stairs lead to?
WITNESS: They went down to the basement.
LAWYER: Did the stairs also go up?
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