Hello, and thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital. Please select one of the following options.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personality Disorder, you press 3; you press 4; you press 5 and you press 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; please stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are severely depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after before after before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have severe short term memory loss, press 9. If you have severe short term memory loss, press 9. If you have severe short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have extreme low self-esteem, hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, lie down and have a good cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Week. You can do your part by talking to at least one unstable person to show that you care.
I've done my bit. Your turn.
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