Saturday, November 29, 2014

Martyrs' Relics in Your Local Catholic Church

One  of  the  really  intriguing  things  about  your  local  Roman  Catholic  Church  is  that  if  you  get  your  pastors'  permission  to  do  so,  you  can  go  up  to  the  altar   and  lift  up  the  altar  cloth  and  you  will  see  one  or  more  small  drill  marks  in  the  stone,  plastered-over.

Why?

The  reason  for  them  is  fascinating.     Holes  were  drilled  in  the  altar  stone,  and  martyrs'  relics   pushed  into  them,  and  then  they  were  sealed  with  plaster.

Why?

Because  nearly  2,000  years  ago,   the  Catholic  Church  was  bathed  in  martyrs'  blood  in  the  time  of  its  formation.   Before  the  Roman  Emperor  Constantine   fully  legitimized  the  Church,   the  emperors,  who  did  not  like  this emerging  new  sect,   would  authorize  persecutions,  to  force  members  to  publicly  forswear  their  allegiance.  Soldiers  would  be  dispatched  to  the  homes  of  those  known  to  be  followers  of  "Christus"   and,  like  the  Nazis  of  World  War  II  going  door-to-door  hunting  for  hidden  Jews,   threaten  loss  of  life  and  property  if  they  did  not  say  the  right  thing.    Many  were  murdered  in  response.     (I  believe  that  this  shall  happen  again,  in  the  not-too-distant  future.)   Soldiers  were  shocked  as  men,  women  and  children   voluntarily  stretched  out  their  necks  for  execution.  Nothing  spread  Christianity  faster  through  the  ranks  of  the  Roman  army   than  asking  them   to  participate  in  hunts  for  Faithful  followers  of  "Christus."  Membership  in  the  Church  boomed.

Many  of  the  martyrs  were  buried  in  the  underground  cemeteries  on  Rome  and  environs,  called  "catacombs."     The  faithful  would  sneak  into  the  catacombs  for  Mass,  which  would  frequently  be  held  on  top  of  the  stone  sarcophagi  of  the  more  prominent  martyrs.

It  was  this  practice  --  consecration  on  top  of  the  martyrs  stone  graves,  an  appropriate  site  since  the  body  and  blood  of  Christ  at  Mass  is  the  body  and  blood  of  Christ  sacrificed  --  which  gradually  mutated  into   a  rule  requiring  that  martyrs'   relics  be  place  into  altar  stone  assemblies.

At  St.  Martin  of  Tours  Catholic  Church  on  Oxford  Circle   in  Philadelphia,  where  I  went  to  Mass  when  I  was  a  kid,  they  used  to  have   a  portable  altar  --  a  rolling  metal  frame  with  a  small  stone  slab  on  top  for  consecration,    and  a  rack  beneath  for  the  metal  reliquary  box  which  held  a  saint's  relics.

One  of  the  more  famous  ancient  stone  structures  in  New  England  is  the  Newport  Tower,  in  Newport,  Rhode  Island.


I  have  been  to  it.  The  local  consensus  is  that  it  was  a  windmill  belonging  to  Benedict  Arnold's  grandfather.

In  fact,  it  is  one  of  the  most  astonishing  stone  structures  in  the  United  States.     It  is   the  tower  portion  of  a  fortified  Roman  Catholic  Church   built  in  Newport  by  Roman  Catholic  Vikings   around  the  year  1357.   The  public  records  dispatching  the  mission  from  the  united  kingdom  of  Sweden  and  Norway  to  "Vinland"  --  the  Viking  name  for  America  --  in  1354,  almost  150  years  before  Columbus,  have  been  located.    The  design   of  the  Newport  tower  is  the  same  as  the  design  for  fortified  church  towers  in  the  joint  kingdom  of  Sweden  and  Norway  constructed  around  that  time.  The  mortar  between  the  stones  is  of  the  variety  in  use  in  that  era.  In  the  second  story,  there  is  a  fireplace  on  the  inside,  with  a  chimney  built  into  the  wall  --   a  feature  in  Scandinavian   construction  during  that  era.    On  the  outside  of  the  building  is  a  stone   bearing  the  Norse  runes  for  H-N-K-R-S ...

 ...  meaning  "hinikirs,"   the  Norse  term  meaning  "chair  church,"    which  is  what  "cathedral"  actually  means  --  "church  of  the  [bishop's]  chair."

On  the  inside  wall  of  the  second  story   there  is  a  slot  in  the  stone  wall  for  their  altar  stone  for  Roman  Catholic  Mass,   and  beneath  that  altar  stone  slot  is  a  square  niche   for  their  reliquary  box ...


Joke: The Trouble with Innocence

In  a  first  grade  religion  class  in  the  local  parochial  school,    the  teacher  asks,  "Now,  can  anyone  in  the  class  tell  me  why  it  is  so  important  for  you  to  be  quiet  in  church  on  Sunday?"

A  little  girl  raises  her  hand  and  asks,  "Because  there  are  so  many  people  sleeping?"

Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Nativity Story In Luke's Gospel Isn't About What You Think ...

Was  Jesus  wrapped  in  swaddling  clothes  and  laid  in  a  manger?  Is  that  statement  in  Luke 2:7,  because  it  is  inspired  by  the  Holy  Spirit,  a  perfectly  historical,  absolutely  accurate  statement?

An  uncomfortable  number  of  Christians  would  say  "yes."

The  reason  why  I  say  "uncomfortable"  is  because  Biblical  literalists  are  alienating  millions  from  Christianity.    Simple-minded  Biblical  literalists    (along  with  the  sex  sins  of  Catholic  priests  and  Protestant  ministers)   are  going  to  kill-off   Christianity,  if  we  let  them.

Instead  of,  "Every  jot  and  tittle  of  Luke  2:7   is  absolutely  perfectly  historical,"    the  proper  answer  to  the  question,  "Are  the  divinely-inspired  words  of  Luke  2:7,  saying  that  Jesus  was   wrapped  in  swaddling  clothes  and  laid  in  a  manger,  true?"  is,  "It  doesn't  matter."

Why  doesn't  it  matter?

Because  in  Luke  2:7,    the  Holy  Spirit  wasn't  inspiring  the  words  to  teach  us  history.

Instead,  the  Holy  spirit  was  inspiring  the  words   to  teach  us  that  when  Christ  came  to  the  world,  He  came  to  the  world  to  become  the  Real  Presence   of  Christ's  sacrificed  body  and  blood  in  the  sacred  Eucharist."

Note  well:   When  Mary  is  said  to  wrap   Jesus  in  swaddling  clothes ...


... the  divinely-inspired  story  functionally  has  her  making  Jesus  look  like  the  dead  adult  wrapped-up  in  his  shroud  in  the  tomb  after  his  crucifixion ...


... and  when  Mary  is  said  to  place  Jesus  in  the  manger,  a  feeding  trough  for  yoked  animals  in  Bethlehem,  Hebrew  for  "the  House  of  Bread,"  ...


... the  divinely-inspired  story  functionally  has  her  placing  Jesus  on  a  kind  of  a  "dinner  plate"  in  a  "bread  bakery" ...


Voila!   The  Holy  Spirit  inspired  Luke  2:7   NOT  to  teach  us  history,  but  to  tell  us  that  the  One  Who  Came   came  to  be  this ...


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

11/26/2014 Cryptogram




U    DUM    IETH    FE   RZH    


XEYFEP    UMX    HUQH,    


“XEY,   Z   RUJT    U    FTPPZCBT    


VPECBTD!   TJTPQ    FZDT    Z    


XPZMS    YENNTT,    Z    ITF    U    


NZTPYT    VUZM    ZM    EMT    


EN    DQ    TQTH!”



FRT    XEYFEP    UMHATPH,    


“RUJT    QEL    FPZTX    FUSZMI    


FRT    HVEEM    ELF    NZPHF?”

TINYNESS GOT ON MARTY MOSS-COANE TODAY !!!

I  call  my  wife  Rise`  (pronounced  "REE-suh")  "Tinyness"  because  I'm  a  big  guy,  and  she's  so  tiny  next  to  me.  When  I  take  her  clothes  out  of  the  dryer,  I  can't  believe  how  tiny   her  shirts  are,  as  I'm  hanging  them  up!

For  years  now  I've  had  Celiac  Disease  --  I   can't  digest  the  gluten  molecule,  because  a  genetic  change   inherited  from  my  parents  --  probably,  from  my  Irish  father  --   means  that  I  lack  the  enzyme  to  digest  it.   Gluten   sits  in  my  bowels  undigested  until  it  --  and  my  bowels  --   rot!

So,  Rise`  learned  how  to  make  me  gluten  free  bread  and  other  gluten-free  concoctions.

On  Marty  Moss-Coane's  pre-Thanksgiving  show  today,  she  was  discussing  Thanksgiving  recipes.   When  the  program  turned  to  cooking  for  Celiac  cases,  Rise`  e-mailed  in  that  she  made  turkey  stuffing  edible  for  me,  again,  by   substituting  kasha  for  bread.  Marty  Moss-Coane   read  Rise`'s  e-mail  aloud  on  the  show.  "That  sounds  really  good!"   the  guest  commented.

This  year,  Rise`  also  did  this  for  Thanksgiving ...


That's  a  Reese's  chocolate  peanut  butter  cup  cheese  cake  on  gluten-free   crust.

I  told  Rise`  that   we  have  to  have  a  supply  of  insulin  ready  inside,  and  an  ambulance  waiting  outside,  before  anyone  gets  to  eat  any  of  it.

Joke: The Rich Old Contractor

A  geriatric  specialist  had  a  75  year  old  contractor  as  a  patient.  When  the  patient  was  in  for  an  exam  one  day,   the  doctor  commented,  "You're  getting  quite  old  --   you're  really  up   there.  Maybe  it's  time  to  retire."

"Eh ???!!!"   the  old  contractor  said,  cupping  his  ear  to  hear  better.

"I  SAID,"  the  doctor  yelled,  "YOU'RE  GETTING  QUITE  OLD  --  YOU'RE  REALLY  UP  THERE.  RETIRE!"

"'It's  really  cold,   and  I  should  get  a  sweater  and  be  near  a  fire'???"   the  old  man  asked.

"Oh,  for  Heaven's  sake,"  the  doctor  said,  listening  to  the  man's  chest  with  his  stethoscope,  "Just  listen:   YOU'VE  GOT  A  HEART  MURMUR !   BE  CAREFUL !"

The  old  man  looked  surprised,  nodded  agreement,  and  left.

A  few  weeks  later,   the  doctor  received  an  invitation  to  the  old  contractor's  retirement  party  at  the  local  country  club.

When  he  entered  the  dining  room,    there  was  the  old  contractor,   standing  next  to  one  of  the  most  sexy  young  ladies  God  ever  put  on  Earth,  wearing  a  beautiful,  clingy  gown.  She  was  holding  the  contractor's  arm.

The  doctor  hurried  over  to  them.  The  old  contractor,  beaming  with  pride,   said,  "Doctor,  I'd  like  to  introduce  you  to  my  wife!"

The  doctor  grabbed  the  old  man  and  pulled  him  aside.  "YOU'RE  WIFE ???"  the  doctor  yelled.  "WHAT  ARE  YOU  DOING  WITH  A  BABE  LIKE  HER ???"

The  old  contractor  looked  at  him  shocked  and  said,  "YOU  TOLD  ME  TO  DO  IT !!!"

"I  TOLD  YOU ?"  the  doctor  asked.  "WHEN ???"

The  old  contractor  said,  "AT  MY  LAST  VISIT  TO  YOUR  OFFICE,  YOU  TOLD  ME  TO  GET  A  HOT  MAMA  AND  BE  CHEERFUL !!!"

"NO!  NO!  NO!"  the  doctor  corrected,  "I  SAID,  'YOU'VE  GOT  A  HEART  MURMUR!  BE  CAREFUL!'"

"Oh,"   the  old  contractor  muttered.

"HOW  DID  YOU  GET  A  GIRL  LIKE  THAT?"  the  doctor  asked.

"I  LIED  ABOUT  MY  AGE!"   the  rich  old  contractor  explained.

"YOU  TOLD  HER  THAT  YOU  ARE  55?"  the  doctor  suggested.

"NO!"  he  smiled,  "I  TOLD  HER  THAT  I  WAS  95!"



Joke: The Medical Exam

A  doctor  gives  his  patient  a  careful  medical  examination,  and  finally   the  doctor  says,  "I  hate  to  have  to  tell  you  this,  but  you  have  rabies.  You'll  be  dead  soon."

The  patient  says,  "Quick!  Give  me  a  pencil  and  some  paper!"

"Why?"  the  doctor  asks,    "To   write  your  last  will  and  testament?"

"No,"  the  patient  answers,  "To  make  a  list  of  the  people  I  want  to  bite!"